Take time to heal from the inside, out. – Kimsue
In my last post, I took you on a trip down memory lane. The purpose of writing about my last ‘situationship’ was meant to be a moment of transparency for me. I needed to get out, the things I was feeling and start the process of letting go of someone that didn’t want me in the way that I wanted him. Let me be clear, there are no hard feelings toward him and I will always have a space in my heart for that individual, but I am not a fool. At least, not any more, lol. It led me to a place that I have longed to be. Alone. Just for a while. I decided that I needed to get a table for one. In order to get to the root of what attracts me to emotionally disconnected men; I need to disconnect from men.
Making the decision to cut ties with the male population where dating and intimacy is concerned is something that I feel is necessary for me at this time. I promised myself that I’d take a long break from dating and I intend to do just that. I owe it to myself, to date myself. I was having a conversation with my girlfriend and she said to me “if you’re serious about taking time to yourself, you will.” It’s about being disciplined. So, I’m going to put myself on ice for a long while and until I am emotionally ready to give love another try, I will remain uninvolved with the opposite sex.
My reason for taking this time to myself is simple. I’m trying to heal from the inside out and I can’t do that with distractions. It would not be fair to myself or anyone else to be involved, knowing that I have work to do internally. There comes a time when you have to look in the mirror and come to terms with the realization that it’s you. Not that you are doing anything wrong, but I have always put everyone else’s needs before my own and I find myself losing a little piece of me with every interaction. I’ve tried to take breaks in the past, but I never really get through them. I meet someone and I think that things will be different and they turn out to be the very thing I need to stay away from. It’s not really their fault that I stick around, it’s me. It’s all me. I accept way less than I deserve and I have to forgive myself for that. I need to be more demanding with what I want and need. I have always been eager to please the person I’m with, but they aren’t really willing to do the same for me.
I think that some men have this idea that women of a particular age are desperate for love and companionship. Quite the contrary, actually. We want solid relationships and are not willing to settle. I have always been a magnet for men, so getting one isn’t that difficult. Getting the right one, now that’s a different story. I meet men at the wrong time in their lives and when it does not work out, I am left feeling like I am not worthy of a solid, committed and loving partner.
I know better than to think like this. I was raised by two extraordinary humans who taught me self worth and to never fall for the banana in the tailpipe, lol. I know my worth, but I often act as if I don’t. Like, I really believe that something is disconnected with me. So, in an effort to get to the root of why I pick the same man in a different body, who just wants to use me for my love, kindness, and generosity; I’ve made a decision to just date myself.
I was a little apprehensive to do this because I hate to tell people no. I feel like I am being mean, but the reality is; I have to be selfish with myself right now because I’ve given myself to way too many undeserving men and I got no real return on my investment. I am not a demanding person in relationships and that’s where I think it starts for me. I probably should be, but it’s just not in my nature to be that way. Men and women will do exactly what you allow and I’ve allowed men to do what they wanted and not hold them accountable. I want to be a different person and be more direct. Not just with men, but people in general. Sometimes, we just have to say NO and be okay with the end result. At the end of this courtship with myself, I hope that there will be some amazing changes with my interactions. I know what I want and deserve, and I am taking steps to get it. I simply have to decline any invitations to get to know anyone new. No matter how difficult. It’s emotionally draining to have to start over and when it doesn’t work out, you have to go back to square one. When you come to the conclusion that you need to re-evaluate some things, it’s important to do so.
From this moment forward, I am going to be by myself, for myself. Prayerfully, at the end of this journey, I will be better prepared for love and get what I know I deserve.
As always, thank you for taking the time to visit my page.
I love you; I mean it!
Photos by Rosemarie Moore for M3 Photography NJ